Kids. Whether you wanted them or not, once you have one, your general level of harassment will never fall below ‘fraught’. Freelancers have it extra bad as they don’t get all that lovely maternity leave / paternity leave that the PAYE population enjoy. So in the spirit of helping you through these tough times I’ve developed a quiz that will allow you to rate how well you are doing, how likely your little bag of money-eating stinkiness is to make it all the way to normalcy and give you some tips to survive the initial onslaught of parenthood.
Obviously though you’ll have to take all this with a pinch of salt as I named my son Aubrey Benedict Danger because I thought it would be funny (Let’s face it though; it is pretty funny… if you’re not him).
Put your mouse over an answer to reveal.
1) You know what Infacol is.
Answer: Infacol is a magical substance that stops your child vomiting all over you after they eat. Very occasionally. Non parents will be going “very occasionally?” and parents will already be in Superdrug buying the family-ultra-bulk pack on the off chance that they can avoid having a shower after feeding their child one in 20 times.
2) You have a favourite Calpol flavour.
Answer: Who doesn’t right? I’m a fan of the traditional flavour but I have time for the orange variety too. Strawberry?! What were you thinking McNeil Healthcare?
3) You can hum the theme tune to Gigglebiz and for a bonus point, can do a passable impression of Rapids Johnston or Nana Knickerbocker.
Answer: If you don’t know what Gigglebiz is then I’m guessing your partner does all the daytime childcare. Apparently Justin is something of a heart-throb amongst mothers so I guess there is no accounting for taste. Sketch comedy is the bedrock of British humour so best to get them used to it early on.
4) You know what the difference between ‘being sick’ and ‘projectile vomiting’ is.
Answer: First time you see a baby hurl a stream of puke three or so meters (total coverage depends how far away the thing you were trying to avoid destroying with baby sick is) across the room you are kind of impressed. By the thirty-seventh time you are idly wondering how much it would cost to cover all the furniture, pets and electrical items in plastic sheeting.
5) You have found a half chewed rusk in your pocket. For an extra point; you then ate it.
Answer: I don’t know about you but I find that generally the crap toddlers are expected to eat tastes like warm badger scrotum. There is one glorious exception and that exception is rusks. I forget what the medical reason for rusks is, something to do with teething probably, but god damn they are tasty little biscuit-cake things and even a slightly damp one has it’s merits.
6) You know where to park for best access to your local A&E.
Answer: I’m not suggesting that you spend a lot of time at A&E but if you have a child over 6 months old and you haven’t been to A&E then you are in the vast minority. Mainly hospitals complain that parents are over concerned by bumps and bruises and then spend all their time when you visit eyeing you suspiciously and asking questions to which the answers are generally; “No” or “Yes, I beat my children”. Anyway, when one goes to A&E as a youth/adult one generally goes via ambulance because you’re injured/bleeding/unconscious. When your child gets injured you need to learn the ways of the NHS parking jamboree. There are spaces, but no one really wants to tell you where they are as if you can drive, you should probably not be going to the hospital.
7) You can recite a children’s book from memory alone.
Answer: “Tabby McTat was a buskers Cat with a miaow that was loud and strong. The two of them sang of this and that, and people through coins in the old checked hat, and this was their favourite song…..”
You have slept in a chair in the last 6 months and are tired now.
Answer: Because chairs are suddenly so comfortable when you have kids. Partly because awake time is all the time and chairs allow you to look awake whilst being asleep.
9) You can sterilise a bottle with one hand whilst holding 6-12kg, at chest height, in the other.
Answer: Having children gives you freakishly strong arms. No one tells you this, but you try arm wrestling a mother of three and then tell me different. Obviously you have to carry them everywhere (unless you have some kind of robot butler or gullible friend) and this is what builds the tone, but the manic grip, that’s all psychological and the awesome dexterity is largely achieved through the grim determination parents develop during the early ‘this will end’ phase of a baby’s childhood. (Spoiler alert: it never ends).
10) You have learned to have sex without making any noise.
Answer: I know, right? You spend all that time honing your grunting prowess like a match winning female tennis player and then suddenly you have to make less noise than a door mouse farting in a soundproofed box buried at the centre of the Earth. It is one of the long list of things that you were not prepared for when you “agreed” to have children (delete quote marks as applicable).
11) You know who this is:
Answer: It’s Gymbo! The fractionally creepy-looking mascot of the Gymboree – “dump your kids here” – experience. I Love Gymbo because he gives me more time asleep. I’m totally willing to overlook the slightly creepy costume and the horrible, horrible colours because his minions are willing to look after my children for money.
12) You’ve been to a religious establishment for the sole purpose of ingratiating your family with a school/nursery/activity centre.
Answer: I’m not religious and basically have no faith at all. If you are religious then you know me as one of the lost souls. I’m not an atheist, or an agnostic either (so get off my back, Richard Dawkins) I just haven’t given religion enough thought to have an opinion either way. Ignorant. I think that’s called being ignorant. Anyway I have shamelessly played on my loose Irish Catholic heritage to make sure that I didn’t have to pay a school to educate my child. Seemed odd that in order to teach my little Hellion about how the world actually works I had to get indoctrinated as to how some two thousand year old dude thought the world might work in the future, but hey, if it saves me £8,000 a year I will bend over for anyone (intellectually speaking of course… ok fine, just speaking).
Congratulations, if you made it this far through the quiz and are still awake then you are a committed parent! Your ability to grimly plough on despite the huge dearth of useful information and helpful feedback that was promised at the beginning proves your devotion to an ungrateful cause. I would salute you but my arms are too tired and I’m probably asleep.
Let us know your scores in the comments!
Photo by Ward Kadel – CC
