Everybody knows marketing agencies are up to no good. They’re either burning through your companies money at an alarming rate, or trying to trick your brain into buying something you don’t really need. We’ve been allowed access to a spreadsheet a freelance marketer kept of all the most brain-dead snippets to cross his desk – the highlights are below. All of the following are genuine excerpts from presentations, proposals, emails and meeting notes from some of the biggest marketing agencies in the country.
Wisdom
“‘Rational’ is not the opposite of ‘emotional’ they are simply two sides of the same coin.”
“People buy it because they want to be part of the brand experience.”
“At the moment we’re in a very cost effective place”
Mathematics
“I think that your 30% and our 15% should give us at least 55% to play with?”
“In conclusion 2 and 2 do in fact equal unlimited growth”
“We would like to make sure that 100% of the women plus the 25% that are mothers are interviewed”
“Advertising has one golden rule: treat people the way you’d like to be treated and exceed client expectations”
Legality
“I’m not sure that we can do it legally …[description of illegal methods]… can you have a go at this?”
“We are happy to sign the [12 week contract] but if we want to cancel at any point that’s fine right?”
“Our legal buff is telling me we can’t call it Atari?”
The Public
“We don’t need to target the whole UK demographic, just men and women who are over and under 35.”
“It says in your presentation [on Whiskey purchases] that 0-18 year olds are excluded from the findings. Why did we make this cut?”
“What is the point of view of the consumer? Could it be valid?”
The Product
“We need to see this from the point of view of the product”
“This new [product] will literally set people on fire.”
Expanding The Lexicon
“…so the sales have been momentumized with this new campaign.”
“You like big words dont you, is this one real? Vocabulerasing. I can give you a context if you need?”
“…fortlastly speaking…”
“We need to justificate our involvement here…”
Experienced any beauties in your line of work? Let us know in the comments!
